Part of the journey – and alternate endings

Part of the journey – and an alternate ending.


One issue has been creeping up on me lately, and I felt knee deep in mud, and some thrashing left some mud stuck in my ear, seeping in. Today's schedule contained some time blocked out explicitly to get some distance between myself and the mud.

I needed distance and I needed to feel it. The freezing rain was no deterrent- the time was now. Right followed left, and left followed right. My pace was quicker than normal, but unhurried. It was good to be making the transition, gaining distance and finality.

Miles fell behind me. The rain picked up a notch, but weather had no impact on me now. After a few more miles, I ran out of passable road. Options were to turn back (and I just could not do that) or to hike across a bridge that was clearly posted prohibiting pedestrians. For scale, the bridge is over half a mile long and about one hundred and fifty feet above the water.

I started across the bridge, and noticed it had a passable sidewalk. It was only a moment or two later when I realized why it was posted as no pedestrians – most likely as a courtesy to whomever gets to fish corpses out of the waters below.

About a third of the way across the bridge, there was a small platform off the side of the walkway, over the water, perhaps four foot square. Hanging from the railing was a miniature noose, correct in every detail.

I'm curious if the noose is there to discourage jumping. Would you walk off the bridge just to hang yourself elsewhere ? Seems like a lot of work and the parties that this targets may not be thinking very long term. But, there's less paperwork for a hanging so I can appreciate that aspect.

Or perhaps the noose is there as a type of sign to indicate that someone could step in here for a few minutes without being noticed, to compose their thoughts and take one additional step.

Interesting find, especially as I have been having a rough few days and I had no shortage of errant emotions on this trip. I hung my head over the side. Distant, dark, and cold. Some quick math estimated about three seconds from the platform to the water. Hell, I've done too much and still have too much to do to consider a three second exit.

I never quite got the whole suicide thing. Immediate family, check. Friend, check. Doesn't really shed any light on the situation. Although I am sure some can find merit in an instant (or not so instant) out. Depending on your situation, it may get a bit more appealing. Sometimes things do get bleak, but it seems so trite and so wasteful.

Grasping the railing, I let most of my torso over just to taste the rain and let the cold air fill my lungs. I still have a couple of miles to go to catch my ride, and my darling is patiently waiting for me at home many miles from here. Life isn't perfect but it's a whole lot better than standing on this platform over the water. Back to my fast paced walk, and the wind is picking up.

There is still a lot of junk in my head to square away, but sometimes a little shot of perspective helps clear things up. Yeah some of the mud made it's way into my brain. As long as the signal can drown out the noise, I'll win. It is clear that it will take some time for that battle to be fully resolved, and currently a few spots remain quite tender.

But the one thing that sticks out now, a few hours after the fact – during my walk, at no point did I look back. I didn't make a conscious effort to do that, but I was absolutely certain that I wanted nothing to do with that source of mud. That was not a decision that I arrived at easily, or quickly.


"The trouble with using experience as a guide is that the final exam often comes first and then the lesson."