Part of the journey – and alternate endings

Part of the journey – and an alternate ending.


One issue has been creeping up on me lately, and I felt knee deep in mud, and some thrashing left some mud stuck in my ear, seeping in. Today's schedule contained some time blocked out explicitly to get some distance between myself and the mud.

I needed distance and I needed to feel it. The freezing rain was no deterrent- the time was now. Right followed left, and left followed right. My pace was quicker than normal, but unhurried. It was good to be making the transition, gaining distance and finality.

Miles fell behind me. The rain picked up a notch, but weather had no impact on me now. After a few more miles, I ran out of passable road. Options were to turn back (and I just could not do that) or to hike across a bridge that was clearly posted prohibiting pedestrians. For scale, the bridge is over half a mile long and about one hundred and fifty feet above the water.

I started across the bridge, and noticed it had a passable sidewalk. It was only a moment or two later when I realized why it was posted as no pedestrians – most likely as a courtesy to whomever gets to fish corpses out of the waters below.

About a third of the way across the bridge, there was a small platform off the side of the walkway, over the water, perhaps four foot square. Hanging from the railing was a miniature noose, correct in every detail.

I'm curious if the noose is there to discourage jumping. Would you walk off the bridge just to hang yourself elsewhere ? Seems like a lot of work and the parties that this targets may not be thinking very long term. But, there's less paperwork for a hanging so I can appreciate that aspect.

Or perhaps the noose is there as a type of sign to indicate that someone could step in here for a few minutes without being noticed, to compose their thoughts and take one additional step.

Interesting find, especially as I have been having a rough few days and I had no shortage of errant emotions on this trip. I hung my head over the side. Distant, dark, and cold. Some quick math estimated about three seconds from the platform to the water. Hell, I've done too much and still have too much to do to consider a three second exit.

I never quite got the whole suicide thing. Immediate family, check. Friend, check. Doesn't really shed any light on the situation. Although I am sure some can find merit in an instant (or not so instant) out. Depending on your situation, it may get a bit more appealing. Sometimes things do get bleak, but it seems so trite and so wasteful.

Grasping the railing, I let most of my torso over just to taste the rain and let the cold air fill my lungs. I still have a couple of miles to go to catch my ride, and my darling is patiently waiting for me at home many miles from here. Life isn't perfect but it's a whole lot better than standing on this platform over the water. Back to my fast paced walk, and the wind is picking up.

There is still a lot of junk in my head to square away, but sometimes a little shot of perspective helps clear things up. Yeah some of the mud made it's way into my brain. As long as the signal can drown out the noise, I'll win. It is clear that it will take some time for that battle to be fully resolved, and currently a few spots remain quite tender.

But the one thing that sticks out now, a few hours after the fact – during my walk, at no point did I look back. I didn't make a conscious effort to do that, but I was absolutely certain that I wanted nothing to do with that source of mud. That was not a decision that I arrived at easily, or quickly.


"The trouble with using experience as a guide is that the final exam often comes first and then the lesson."

The bigger picture... And dinner.

A couple of months ago, an incredible coincidence caused my telephone to ring. And my world got so much smaller. The call was from the proverbial past, from one of those great times long ago that never is too deep in your memory bank.

Sometimes I get to spend a lot of torturous time at the part time job. Tending machines, many sleepless nights, mind numbing piece-part work. A few minutes to think about a topic, and then every rational thought has to go on hold to precisely set up the next parts. Then thought resumes again. Fragmented, at times. Self correcting, perhaps as you can only go so far down a rat hole until the blue light flashes to tell me to press the green button.

So, memories brought front and center. Nearly unlimited time to digest, just in small chunks of perhaps 5 minutes at a bite.

What strikes me first is what has changed between now and then. The largest difference ? Me. I have changed a lot since then. It's a different world, at least my world is different. Some change has been necessary, some was free. But it wasn't all who I was, and I wasn't thrilled with whom I had become – especially in the side by side comparison. Looking then versus now, A few things stuck right out. It sounds trite, but once you can see something, you may be able to do something about it. And no kidding, things started to fall into place. I need to be me, to be super comfy in my own skin, to hold my head high, and to politely invite the external world to wait it's turn for me to take care of mine. There were a few personal chances that have fallen into place, each giving me a little extra spring in my step. Yeah, the beard is back too. That was just the icing on the cake.

And this starts to cascade. A new perspective really gets me to reevaluate a whole lot that has happened over the past few years. Slowly, light bulbs start glowing. It is a little humbling to learn about yourself - and your life - and what you were thinking so far after the fact. It has been a bit surreal, watching details start to fall into place. Structures and sequences come together.

Today, just driving along to work, I saw where I was 18 months ago, almost to the day, and where I am now. That triggered a giant beacon overhead. The one thing – the ONE THING that held me pinned down- I now wanted to eat it for breakfast. No, not just that. I wanted some for dinner too, not because I couldn't down it all at once, just because I wanted to eat it twice. I wanted dinner to watch me eat breakfast so it would know just how slowly and deliberately it would be chewed and savored. And then become naught but a memory. I suspect it would be a good memory, looking back victoriously at a clean plate...

And I have to tell you, it was delicious. It was the meal you'd love to serve to your closest friends, but this one needed to be done in private. I wasn't truly alone though. While savoring those morsels, I was appreciative of my closest friends who have helped me along, spun my nose around, moved mountains just to save me the slightest bit of trouble, and covered my back when I was too far white, red, or black.

The plate is clean. My brain now has plenty of space to run free and play. There are some details that need to be mopped up, but I kicked that into action after dinner. Yes, I needed help with one of them, and with my slightest request for a touch of assistance, one of the above paisans has volunteered to do whatever it takes.


I have my life back. I escaped with my extended family mostly intact - those that made the cut at least came out unscathed. I have myself back.

This too is an incredible day.